Every year my wife forces me to compare myself to a number of ideal hallmark families. For those of you looking for the classics, here is my top 10 Christmas movies to watch every year.
#10: Die Hard
Nakatomi Plaza is taken over by terrorists while a rogue cop must save the day and his failing marriage… What could be more festive than a failing marriage? Bruce Willis stars in this action flick based around an office christmas party. This movie somehow embodies every emotion a man can feel during the holidays. It covers the silent hatred of going to a work related function on your day off, your alleged wife chatting up her overly friendly boss, and allows for him to take out his aggression in a constructive manner by using machine guns and explosives. Its almost the perfect holiday movie. If only they would have cast Lacy Chabert as the lead female role maybe it would be picked up by the hallmark channel…
#9 Bad Santa
A down on his luck mall santa with a fetish for large women befriends a young boy. Through the magic of christmas, santa helps the boy overcome his bullies and make some sandwiches. They boy returns the favor by meticulously carving him a wooden pickle that somehow helps santa overcome his alcoholism.
#8 A Christmas Story
A young boy develops a love of firearms through a bond with his father… Guns are dangerous but only in the hands of middle class white kids. A child wants nothing more than to test boundaries. This movie puts a festive spin on firearms, child abuse, and regifting hand-me-downs. A life based on adapting to your environment and finding positive outcomes. And also having your wife respect your “major award.”
#7 Nightmare Before Christmas
Struggling with the expectations of the world while exploring the desires to be something else. Jack Skellington was the king of halloween but desired to identify as a christmas legend. This is a heart warming story of how Jack discovers his identity through kidnapping santa and forcing the world to accept his halloween lifestyle during christmas. A subplot of a woman telling him what to do and it turns out that she is always right.
#6 Lethal Weapon
Two cops team up to take down an international crime ring. One cop is a lonely recluse living in a trailer on a remote beach, while the other is weeks away from retirement. In an unlikely partnership they form a bond of friendship. They explore their feelings towards each other through extreme violence and sitting on a toilet so long your legs fall asleep. Ultimately one learns the value of violence while the other appreciates being given a family.
#5 Scrooged
A cynical executive lovingly referred to as Lumpy is forced to evaluate his conservative life. He is visited by three spirits and experiences his life through each of their liberal agendas. His emotional journey of self reflection and personal growth culminates with the final threat of death. He returns to his present day life and pretends to care for his fellow man by engaging in useless philanthropy to keep the liberals at bay.
#4 Rocky IV
A punch drunk love affair spells the end of the cold war. Two elite fighters square off on christmas day in Moscow while political tensions threaten a global catastrophe. The ultimate battle between democracy and communism spreads the joy of christmas and brings the two together to hug it out in the ring.
#3 Elf
A delightful tale of a child abandoned at birth and taken in by elves. Unable to fit in with anyone and being an overall nuisance in a toy factory, he is driven out into the world to find his real family. He finds love by sneaking into the women’s locker room to see a girl showering. After expressing bigotry in the workplace he gets drunk in the mail room before saving christmas for everyone.
#2 Home Alone
A family abandons their child at christmas so they can enjoy a european vacation without the noise. While back at home the child systematically destroys the house through a series of mishaps. Eventually the child finds himself at church wishing his family would return and his christmas wish is granted.
#1 Christmas Vacation
The story of two brothers reunited at the holidays. One of them lives in a large house while the other is a permanent van life enthusiast. The families clash over an overflowing shitter and eventually get into a fight with a squirrel before setting fire to the house. They reconcile their differences and enjoy a family dinner while the van life brother secretly kidnaps the others boss. The bosses wife blames her husband and forces him to give everyone money to make their problems go away.
You crack me up!
Die hard never came to mind when we were thinking about Christmas movies to watch.. but I think you need to add 8 Bit Christmas to the list.